Zombie Outreach Donations Sought

FOR IMMEDIANT RELEASE

through January 1, 2018

 

Zombie Outreach Organization (ZOO)

2017 End of Year Contribution Drive

 

Cedar Park, Texas - The provincial organization of ZOO has opened their end-of-year online donation booth to further prepare to reach out and help dissuade future zombies from eating human brains.

Funds will go into training volunteers who will be dispatched at the beginning of the zombie apocalypse armed with informational pamphlets informing the hungry dead that human brains really contain no nutritious value.

“The undead need to understand that for every one-hundred grams of brain, seventy-eight of those grams are water,” said founder Lavar Harris. “Only eleven grams are in fact protein. You have to eat a lot of brains before they become beneficial.”

The grass-roots organization bases their efforts on the idea that education and redirection can help the surviving humans the opportunity to coexist with their dead counterparts.

“Done correctly,” Harris continues, “we could bring our departed friends into the productivity fold which is making America Great Again. Most can provide free menial labor which can increase productivity and the overall gross national product of our country.”

Long term plans include guiding the dearly departed so they may participate in the industries of entertainment, transportation, and some low-level blue-collar trades.

“Imagine watching wonders such as Z-Factor, Dancing with the Czars, Naked and Not Afraid,” he continued.

“But we must start with the basics,” he lamented. “The only way this bright future we are planning can happen is if we first change their aplite from human brains to a more supple food source. Done right this could help reduce rodent and other pest populations.”

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Long Weekend Recreational High

How people perceive things perplexes me at times.

Tonight is one of the largest party nights of the year. Kids are home from college, relatives are starting to show up, tomorrow is parade, football and food.

Thankfully we have banded together as a people and demanded our government makes sure the food that is in our grocery stores is as fresh as it can be without bacteria that will make us sick. It gets cleaned and inspected where it is prepared, shipped in refrigerated trucks if necessary, all those things we expect.

When this system breaks down all hell breaks loose. We hire lawyers to find out what sickened us and where the blame should be placed. We back scientists on our government payroll to use microscopes and whatever other equipment is necessary to identify the source and take corrective action.

Many states now allow for the personal use of marijuana. Those states have attempted to interject rules not to restrict the growing or sale, but to make sure the safety precautions we expect in our other consumer products are in place.

Rogelio Martinez, a federal boarder patrol officer is one of those people who acts on our behalf to make sure the precautions we take as a people to make sure products are provided us are of a certain quality that we expect.

He was killed doing this on our behalf.

The argument that marijuana should have never been a ‘schedule one’ drug and it should have never been made illegal is moot at this point. Now it is an effort to bypass the rules reasonable people put in place to insure safety and proper taxes are collected.

So as you spark-up this weekend ask yourself, do you know where it came from? Has anyone died in order for you to enjoy your recreational high?

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