FOR IMMEDIANT RELEASE
through January 1, 2018
Zombie Outreach Organization (ZOO)
2017 End of Year Contribution Drive
Cedar Park, Texas - The provincial organization of ZOO
has opened their end-of-year online donation booth to further prepare to reach
out and help dissuade future zombies from eating human brains.
Funds will go into training volunteers who will be dispatched
at the beginning of the zombie apocalypse armed with informational pamphlets informing
the hungry dead that human brains really contain no nutritious value.
“The undead need to understand that for every one-hundred
grams of brain, seventy-eight of those grams are water,” said founder Lavar
Harris. “Only eleven grams are in fact protein. You have to eat a lot of brains
before they become beneficial.”
The grass-roots organization bases their efforts on the
idea that education and redirection can help the surviving humans the opportunity
to coexist with their dead counterparts.
“Done correctly,” Harris continues, “we could bring our
departed friends into the productivity fold which is making America Great
Again. Most can provide free menial labor which can increase productivity and
the overall gross national product of our country.”
Long term plans include guiding the dearly departed so
they may participate in the industries of entertainment, transportation, and some
low-level blue-collar trades.
“Imagine watching wonders such as Z-Factor, Dancing with
the Czars, Naked and Not Afraid,” he continued.
“But we must start with the basics,” he lamented. “The only
way this bright future we are planning can happen is if we first change their aplite
from human brains to a more supple food source. Done right this could help
reduce rodent and other pest populations.”
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